Chapter 2: Letting Go

Author’s note: Written by Elmo Lawrence. I tried to put the perspective as first-person and the tense as present, to provide the maximum experience of this story. It’s about the life journey of a young man who lost his parents in a car accident, who tried to start a whole new life as an adventure and a mean to seek the truth and the meaning of his existence.

Make sure that you see the Table of Contents.

Chapter 2: Letting Go

‘“Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.” I don’t know, but it seems right to me to say that even if something’s taken from me, it’s to make room for something new—something better.’

The alarm rings, waking me from my deep slumber. The thought of what happened last night makes me believe that it could be a dream. In fact, I saw my parents in my dream, as though they’ve never gone. I saw myself in my usual life; waking up finding my mother’s there in the kitchen, preparing for breakfast, while my father’s sitting at the dining room reading newspaper; going to school as usual and spend the day to find that nothing has ever changed. For the most beautiful split seconds in my lifetime, I think that everything will be as it used to be, and I believe that yesterday’s funeral was just a dream. I lie like that for what seems to be forever… until reality kicks in with the most excruciating pain I’ve ever felt in my life.

The funeral was real. My parents are gone forever, and there’s no way I can change that.

For a moment I feel tears emerge without even realizing that I’m crying—tears from the feeling of loss that I haven’t realized at the time of the funeral. I clench my fists and grit my teeth, how I’m really embarrassed every time I cry. Boys don’t cry, I think, as I try hard to stop myself crying, but the harder I try the sadder I become; and the effort to resist the sorrow becomes more and more painful. I’m still unprepared for such loss at an early age, I just know it. The thought of it makes the pain more and more unbearable and I become very, very furious to everything that made me lost my parents, even though I know that even if I destroy them all, it won’t bring my parents back.

The feeling that I’m the most unfortunate person in the world arises, makes me feel pity to myself. I just need something to blame, something to unleash my wrath upon. And as I find nothing, I start to blame myself… I become so sick of myself. How can I be such a weak person unable to overcome the sorrow? I put the pillow over my face as I cry and cry throughout the morning.

The second ring of the alarm disturbs me—I’ve been lying like this for an hour. My tears has run dry, my eyes damp, and there’s an emptiness in my heart, a deep puncture that not even time can heal. I can’t believe the idea of travelling around the world just to seek the truth and the real me ever came to my mind. The funeral—I must’ve sort of numb due to the sudden loss and now that I fully realized how it affects my life, it’s like withdrawal from taking drugs.

What time is it? 8 AM? I don’t even care. Time means nothing to me now. I just want to lie like this until I can finally let go of this sorrow and accept reality.

But in fact, I sit. I don’t know why I even sit. It’s like my body moves on its own. And I get up, walking towards the window, and reach out to open both the curtain and the window panes.

The sun stings right into my eyes. It’s so warm and so unbelievable, as if my hopeless body receives energy from the sunlight. The morning air is fresh and it feels my lungs as I take a deep breath and release. And the sky, it’s as blue and as beautiful as ever.

The world is beautiful, I know. More beautiful than I have ever known. And for years it’s been waiting for me to explore, as I often curse the fact that I was born behind these four walls…

…which reminds me. My father once asked me what I want to be. I remember that, it was after he and I watched a National Geographic documentary about the forests in Canada. It was indeed interesting, and never in my life I saw so many trees and so many wildlife, so many adventures await. I told him that I want to be an adventurer, maybe a geologist, maybe an archeologist—where I could experience every second of adventure in my life. I remember my father told me that every man was born a free man, that he’s only imprisoned by his own mind. There’s an adventure in every aspect of life, it’s just a matter of how I can find them.

Now that they’re gone, the reason to go seeking for adventure becomes absolute. And it already runs in my veins, the blood of an adventurer. It explains why I thought of leaving and living a new life at the funeral—as well as my actions that have started all of this by just opening the window a few minutes ago.

Suddenly the feeling of warmth emerges from the emptiness in my heart. An eagerness of having some great things to come. I can feel the rush of adrenaline already. The world is waiting for me out there. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for raising me to be what I am now. Now that you’ve both rested in peace, rest assured, I assure you that I’m ready to face what I’m born to be.

Now, to think about it, I should start the day. My day starts when I take a bath, at least that’s what I make myself to believe. And it always does.

I’m putting on my clothes as I hear someone knocking at the door. Geez, who could that be? I thought. I don’t have too many friends, perhaps it’s just an acquaintance or a relative that has heard about my parents.

In a matter of seconds, I’ve been in front of the door, opening it and see who’s behind.

It is Nicholas Wilkin, the best friend of mine, a school drop-out due to his parents’ breakup. Now he’s living with his mother, but from what I’ve heard, his mother’s moving in with her new fiancé to Pensacola, Florida, and there’s no way he’s gonna go with them. Nick’s having great fights with his mother over this. About why he shows up now, I don’t know, it can be he’s heard about my parents or something else. Perhaps I should ask him about this.

‘Gee, Nick,’ I say, smiling faintly. ‘Nice to see the likes of you in times like this.’

‘Oh, come on, man,’ Nick gives a hand which I frankly high-fived. ‘What happened to you? You look restless. Come on, man! I’ve been having dozens of trouble lately and I’m as happy as ever!’

Nick’s always been a cheerful person, I know, but it’s clear for me that he hasn’t heard about my parents.

Nick steps into the house and looks around. ‘Hey, where are your parents? I’m missing your mom’s apple pie—you know, 9 out of 10 reasons I come here is to have your mom’s food, thanks to my mom’s wonderful sense of cooking.’ There’s sarcasm in his words.

‘Nick,’ I stop walking and lean myself upon the wall, ‘my parents are dead. The funeral was held yesterday.’

Nick stares at me with eyes and jaws wide open. ‘You’ve got to be kidding me, right? C’mon, Justin, that ain’t funny at all. Wait…’

He looks at me again for quite a moment, and seems to understand. ‘…that’s for real? I’m sorry to hear that, dude,’ he says finally. ‘I’m sorry not to attend your parents’ funeral yesterday, I didn’t even know about that. I’m gonna miss your dad’s glasses, and your mom’s apple pie—(sigh) I know they’re nice persons. Cheer up, dude, I know it’s hard to lose those important to you. Believe me I’ve been through with it, too.’

I draw a breath. ‘Yes, I know, Nick. I’m trying to let go, but I know that’s way to go. I’ve got nobody now.’

‘Way to go?’ Nick says. ‘Justin, we’re at the same state—I’ve got nobody neither. You know what? I used to be Nick Wilkin, then Nick Keenan, but now I’m officially Nick Wilkin again. It’s been quite nice being a Keenan for quite some time, but now that it’s not, I’m Wilkin away.’ He laughs at his own words.

I look at him. ‘What happened between you and your mom?’

Nick drops himself onto the sofa. ‘What happened between me and my mom?’ He laughed. ‘I’m not supposed to deal with the past, but alright. I disagreed to move in with her and her fucking boyfriend told me that if I don’t want to live with them it’s okay, I don’t have to move in with them! And my mother agreed with him, preferring her new boyfriend over her own son! What does she think I am, just another bugger in her life? So here I am, nowhere to live, nowhere to go, being dumped by my own mother. Am I mad? Fuck me I’m not! That’s just enough knowing that my former mother is a whore, and I’ve had enough with her. Period.’

‘Are you going to live with your dad?’ I asked carefully.

‘Are you crazy? By preferring my mom over my dad you should’ve known what sort of man he is! He’s a good man, I know, but he’s being too serious for just anything, and if I live with him he’ll probably make me a lawyer or something like that I don’t like. He’s a good man to have by your side, of course, and he’s my father after all. It’s just I’m not going to live with him, I know it’s best for me to live on my own.’

I smile abruptly. Nick’s probably the best guy to have in times like this.

‘So Justin,’ said Nick, ‘what have you been up to?’

I hesitate a little. Should I tell Nick about my plans? If I tell him, it’s like exposing it to everyone I know. So far the only one knowing about my plans is Father Alan Wright, and he’s the type that keeps secrets in his coffin. I don’t know if I’m ready to tell everyone about my plans, not right now.

‘I don’t know,’ I lie. ‘What about you, Nick? What’s in your mind?’

Nick moves closer to me so our eyes met. ‘Listen, Justin, I’ve got an idea. I’ve got a plan to do something that’s so vital it’ll change my life!’

Somehow I have a funny feeling about this, but I don’t know why. ‘And what do you mean with “vital”?’

‘I was thinking all the time, with my parents suck, my life’s been boring, and how I’m fed up with all these troubles at home—why not leaving my past behind, going out to the world and finding a new life? It’s a life of adventure I’m looking for! You know me, you know what I mean, and you know that we have something in common—I don’t fancy going alone, so how is it? We both have nobody now, and nowhere to go. What kind of future will you have if you keep staying here? The world’s waiting for us to come, man, and the loss we had has given way to a new chapter in our life!’

Oh geez, I think. We really have something in common—perhaps I’m not meant to go alone.

Chapter I: A Journey Begins

Author’s note: Written by Elmo Lawrence. I tried to put the perspective as first-person and the tense as present, to provide the maximum experience of this story. It’s about the life journey of a young man who lost his parents in a car accident, who tried to start a whole new life as an adventure and a mean to seek the truth and the meaning of his existence.

Make sure that you’ve seen the Table of Contents.

Chapter I: A Journey Begins

‘Every baby born has a fate marked on his birthright. You were born to be somebody. I believe that. And why you were born in this era, I believe that you are the one who will make great changes in the world’s system. The world is broken, corrupt, and untrue. The longer you live in this world, the more you hate it. I used to have given up making changes and live the world as it is, but as I see you live, grow, develop, act, interact, and react to everything around you, I know that you, my son, will be the one who make a change in that, and succeeds.’

The words of my father remain fresh in my mind, even at his funeral. Eyes wide open but empty, I’m facing what’s left of someone who used to be a great influence of me. My father looks so peaceful in his coffin, lying in his best suit with his arms rest on his chest. Beside his is the coffin of my mother, the one who endlessly and selflessly cared for me. She looks so beautiful and so assured in her last dress, and I almost believe that I see her smiling even in her death. They must be very proud of me, I think. Even to their death, they have been very proud to have a son like me.

I clench my fists very tightly, grit my teeth and silently draw a drop of tear. I always loved and respected my parents. I always tried my best to make them happy and proud of me like they always did. I always wanted them to see what they’ve earned in raising me so well in their ways. I have a list of things I wish I could show them as soon as I achieved them, to return their favor. I never expected to lose them this quickly, I never did. But now, it all happens.

It happened so fast I would’ve thought it was just a dream. At the night of the accident, my parents were going to the theater together to watch some old friend perform. They wouldn’t be away for too long, they told me when they left. There’s no premonitions of the thing that’s about to happen as they left, but before leaving my father told me to take care of the house, and take care of myself—I never knew that it was going to be the last thing he told me.

That unfortunate night I was unable to sleep. There’s something in me that kept me awake, that I was worried of my parents by being away too long from what they promised. I was never a dependent son, that I really upset when my parent’s not around to take care of things for me, but something told me that something was wrong when they didn’t return as they’d promised that made me worried. When I was finally able to sleep, it was soon before long that I was awakened by an emergency call from a nearby hospital, telling me that my parents had an accident and died on the spot.

They told me that there’s nothing wrong with my parents to make that accident happen, but a drunken truck driver failed to notice the traffic light and went in full speed against my parents’ car. He was soon arrested and is waiting for his trial behind the bars right now. But what I couldn’t get was, why were my parents taken from me if they did nothing wrong? Why should they die, not the drunken truck driver? Where’s the justice when it comes to fate and destiny?

Now, at their funeral, I’m finally able to contain my objection. I remember what my father told me, that everything’s always happen for a reason. Like, if I’ve tried hard to achieve something but failed, it’s just that the achievement isn’t meant for me. I probably couldn’t understand it, but perhaps, in the future, the impacts of me achieving that will be bad for me as well as for everything around me. There’ll always be a reason, a blessing in disguise behind ever misfortune of which in time I’ll understand. I believe in every word my father told me, and I believe in that, and that helps me to understand the hidden meanings of this very early loss. So far, I think I can cope with it, but I don’t know how long I’m able to contain my sorrow.

I watch them as the burial takes part, trying to pay my last respect. One by one the funeral attendees leave, and as the funeral is over, only I and the priest remain. Father Alan Wright is a kind old man of his sixties, looking at me with a sincere expression of deepest pity.

‘Son,’ he says kindly, packing his suitcase while still looking at me, ‘I’m sorry that you lost both of your parents while you’re still very young. Did your parents appoint a guardian in case something happened to them? Some close relatives, perhaps?’

I smile frankly, shaking my head politely. ‘No, Father, I have nobody else but myself right now.’

His expression is saddening. ‘A pity that you’re too old to live in an orphanage,’ he says. ‘I know that you’re a good boy—I might be able to help you find foster parents. You’re too young to live without the protection of your parents.’

I hesitate a little, but finally I smile, saying, ‘Thank you for your kindness, Father, but my father told me that everything’s always happen for a reason, and I believe that there’s a reason beyond their unfortunate death. Perhaps that’s just so that I will be able to be self-dependent, even without them.’

He drew his breath. ‘But, son, you still have a future, and by securing your life, I can help you securing your future,’ he explained. ‘You still have to further your study. How exactly will you fare with it without parents at your back to support you?’

‘My family left me a considerable sum of money,’ I tell him. ‘It’s more than enough to help me continue my study. But I don’t want to be a boy anymore—I want to be a mature man, who can take care of his problems on his own. The death of my parents makes me think that I should be mature enough to do everything on my own. And I’m still searching for my identity, my own character. I have to find the reason beyond my existence in this world. Who I am, and what I am to be; as my father always encouraged me to do. I also wanted to find the truth in everything, the truth of which that reason I seek is about. With all due respect to my deceased parents and to you as well, kind sir, their early death gives me the freedom to find that. Now that I have nobody else but me in the world, it’s time for me to find the answers I seek. There’ll be no point in staying here anymore, Father. I’ll be venturing the world seeking for the answers of my question. That’s what I call study for me.’

Judging from the look in his eyes, I expect a thousand words to come from the priest to criticize my arguments—but they never come. The priest seems to be holding back his words as he draws his breath, looking at the ground as he starts talking.

‘There’s nothing I can tell you about that, Son,’ he says. ‘You’re right, the answer’s out there for you to find.’ Suddenly his face brightened, and his expression lightened. ‘Just keep in mind that whenever you need me, I’ll be right here to help you.’

I smile at him. If there’s truly someone who’s the closest to be my guardian, right now, it’s Father Alan Wright.

‘Alright Father,’ I tell him as I walk away from my parents’ graves, out of the cemetery, ‘I’ll be leaving soon. I won’t be staying here any longer, but when I’m about to go, I’ll make sure that I’ll come to you first.’

‘May God have mercy on you, Son,’ he said, smiling.

Deep in my heart I really thank Father Wright for not keeping me from going. I’m sure that he has many objections to my quest, but he understands my reason to go, and I respect that.

I smile weakly at him as I look back to my parents’ new graves for the last time. Mom, Dad, I think to myself, I’m going to go seek the truth and find what I’m meant to be—and I promise that, once I’ve found it, I’ll make you proud.

The sky is overcast, and white-grayish lines of penetrating light that softly shine the outline of the trees seems to reflect my thoughts right now. My future is like the sky, it’s still there, but sorrow and doubt make it seem so gloom and blurry. But there are lines of light that shine through the clouds, and it represents my hope and my will of a whole new life—a life full of adventure.

A feeling of unutterable excitement emerges from the inside. Despite my sorrow and doubt, I never feel such freedom before, as what I feel now.

NaNoWriMo08: Untitled, by Anonymous Table of Contents

This is the table of contents of Elmo Lawrence’s National Novel Writing Month novel Untitled, by Anonymous.

1. 11/01/08 NaNoWriMo

2. 11/01/08 NaNoWriMo08: The Next Step

3. 11/01/08 NaNoWriMo08: Untitled, by Anonymous Table of Contents

4. 11/01/08 NaNoWriMo08: Chapter 1: A Journey Begins

5. 11/08/02 NaNoWriMo08: Chapter 2: Letting Go

NaNoWriMo08: The Next Step

Now that I’ve decided to participate in the National Novel Writing Month and publicly declared it, my next step is determining the concept, theme, topic, and plot of my NaNoWriMo08 novel.

So far I’ve thought of several concepts:

1. My original Lighthouse of Mankind novel;

2. Moonlight Shadow, a mystery novel starring Emily Brice, about the murder of a famous novelist and mysteries behind it. Date is 2008.

3. Imprisoned, a psycho-thriller fiction starring Sean Lawrence, about how a claustrophobic kid is thrown behind the bars without knowing his fault, and how he fared with it.

4. Dust Trails, a fantasy novel about a lonely little girl who pretended that the moon is her best friend.

5. Endless Doubt, a novel I even don’t know what it’s gonna be. It’s about a young man looking for his character, the meaning of his existence, and his part in the world. It’s about a young man travelling around the world looking for the truth, and no matter how far he goes, he doesn’t find it–he only finds people’s different concepts and beliefs of the truth. I don’t know where the story will go–the story is about an adventure, and along with the venturing young man, it’s also MY adventure.

I’m totally inclined to the last option, though the thought of Emily Brice’s adventure somehow intrigues me as well.

NaNoWriMo

I decided to participate in the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) held and sponsored by WordPress.com. Despite the ‘Na’ in NaNoWriMo, it’s really an international event. In order to participate I just have to keep writing until I have a 50,000-word novel in hand at the end of November.

Simple enough for someone like Elmo Lawrence–and I bet seven times the value of gold in Fort Knox that there’s only one living Elmo Lawrence in the world right now.

Despite my bad English and my poor grammar and vocabulary, I dare myself to compete. I really hope that my writings will not bore the juries when it is time.

But as long as I try, who cares if I fail? Even if I do, the experience worth all the effort. And here’s another way to improve my English. So–I’ll give it a shot, and take part in NaNoWriMo 08.

I am Elmo Lawrence from Indonesia, and I hereby proclaim that I participate in the WordPress National Novel Writing Month 2008.

As a follow-up of the statement above, I’ll make a new category in this blog entitled NaNoWriMo08, post all of my NaNoWriMo novel parts there, and tag all of them with NaNoWriMo08.

About the topic and the plot of my contest novel, it’s currently under development process. Further informations about Elmo Lawrence’s NaNoWriMo novel will be posted as soon as they emerge.